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Hi! ~ Bill Gates. You wanna know who Im in love with? 136. You can tune a guitar, but you cant tuna fish. "Who you are inside is what helps you make and do everything in life". Art doesnt transform. Why cant you trust an atom? 135. 95. Who says nothing is impossible? "You're in mint condition for a vintage model. 74. 26. Watch popular content from the following creators: Maaryfairyy(@maaryfairyy), Jasmines Garden(@jasminesgarden23), Dazley(@dazzlemeup), JaySean(@jaysean), Nathalie Munoz(@nathaliemunozx3) . "After 30, a body has a mind of its own.". 80. 54. 105. 243. No man goes before his timeunless the boss leaves early. Sharing quotes, proverbs, and sayings of great authors to touch people's lives to make it better. Confidence makes me powerful. 186. 267. My past is just a bad book that deserves to be in the trash., 9. If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut. I did not trip and fall. I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge. - Billie Burke. Learn sign language, its very handy. Im sorry that Im not updating my Facebook status, my cat ate my mouse. Once youve chosen one of our affirmations or devised your own, its time to put it into practice. Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. I solemnly swear that I am up to no good. 41. Benjamin Franklin. 151. 26. Your life is your message to the world. I am just making myself capable enough to live in the moment. 182. Yesterday I did nothing and today Im finishing what I did yesterday. "You have to be odd to be number one.". Lazy people fact #2347827309018287. Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet, miss a car payment. Think about all the things you're struggling with in your life. "Age is of no importance unless you're a cheese.". Sometimes when I close my eyes, I cant see. - Christopher Reeve. Ive got three bones. A gummy bear. 270. Its alright if you dont agree with me, I cant force you to be right. 183. I wish my wallet came with free refills. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldnt complain. 1. 8. When life closes a door, just open it again. 39. 24. I dont need excuses, because I never mess things up. If you are looking for a way to get more laughs in your day, try some of these funny affirmations to build your self-esteem. I accept my body the way it is today. 246. Being funny increase people's tendency to connect with you and talk to you. 125. Positive music, resilience, inner strength and a growth mindset lead to success!. Really? I see the funny side of life more and more. It doesn't make sense to dwell on things you can't do anything about. Today I will embrace the poop. Sincerely, the floor. So life is not always "All The Way Up", I guess. Alison Boulter. Rodney Dangerfield, 198. Lorrin L. Lee. To put your affirmations into practice, follow these steps. 91. 1. Today I was a hero. But then again so does . I am lazy till I get a motive. 14. Its scary when it disappears. Just like every Monday does on Earth. 216. 9. You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here. Its okay if people dont like me. The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep. People wait all week for Friday, all year for summer, all life for happiness. 237. I breathe in and out. What do computers eat for a snack? Im amusing and make the people around me happy. We may speak different languages, but we all laugh the same. Send me the link. 233. Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow as well. What do computers eat for a snack? Life is always rocky when youre a gem. Never test how deep the water is with both feet. This is because, in order to be funny, there are certain details that need to be perfectly delivered. 3. Read the first word again. The older I get, the more I start ignoring my friends. 113. They say dont try this at home so Im coming over to your house to try it. Giving up on myself because of one setback is like slashing my other three tires because one is flat., 10. I didnt mean to push all your buttons, I was just looking for the mute button. 268. 37. Short people with an umbrella. 211. In life, sometimes you just need to break the tension with a little humor. Yes, of course, I am athletic, I surf the Internet every day. 77. 143. 18. 134. Short Positive Affirmations "I Am" Affirmations. I am positive. I love it when the coffee kicks in and I realize what an adorable badass I am going to be today. Check out our funny affirmation selection for the very best in unique or custom, handmade pieces from our encouragement cards shops. What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? Breasts dont have eyes. 126. If lying was a job some people would be billionaires. I may stumble along the way, but I will get over it. I make people laugh, whether its with me or at me., 8. As an Amazon Associate we earn from qualifying purchases. And get over it. Sometimes these surprises are way too spectacular and sometimes way too tragic. If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldnt have a job if he was any smarter. John Gotti, 6. 7. It has the power to add levity to our daily challenges. We are going to be best friends forever, besides you already know too much. I should have theme music every time I enter a room. IRS: Weve got what it takes to take what you have got. I experience ease and flow as I navigate my exhilarating life. Dont worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. Why couldnt the leopard play hide and seek? 68. Our toaster has two settings: too soon or too late. 20. 158. Why was six scared of seven? Good morning! Microchips. Then you stand in front of the mirror, take a deep breath in, open your mouthwait, this is funny. 84. 93. If you enjoyed reading these funny positive affirmations, make sure to bookmark this page for future reference, and share your favorite affirmations with your friends and family. Shoot for the moon. Dear universe, I am totally open to all the amazing things coming my way. I'm amusing and people enjoy talking to me. I'm sorry, I have to quickly disable alarm level brown. 3. I am willing to ask for help when it serves my growth. How do astronomers organize a party? Erma Bombeck I am grateful for the healing power of humor. 102. What is Mozart doing right now? 100. I tried looking at the bright side of life, but it hurt my eyes. If Monday had a face, I would punch it. 197. Albert Einstein My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them. When the past comes knocking, dont answer. 232. If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me. If you want flowers on February 14, plant them now., 6. I tried, but they wanted cash. My room is like the Bermuda triangle, stuff goes in and is never seen again. What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? 236. Ive been doing nothing for years. Giving up on your goal because of one setback is like slashing your other three tires because you got a flat., 6. "Start each day with a positive thought and a grateful heart.". Amidst all the stress, anxiety and worries, a smile can help you brighten your day. 71. Sam Levenson. I personally love watching masters of comedy captivate audiences with their dark humor and crafty punchlines. Can February march? Some people are like clouds. I dont need validation from others to know Im killing it. 163. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I cant see. I can always be fatter. Its alright if you dont agree with me, I cant force you to be right. I wonder, do we lazy people go to heaven or do they send someone to pick us up? Because they make up everything. What is Mozart doing right now? As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools. Never take life seriously. 82. Awesome things will happen today if you choose not to be miserable., 7. With great power comes an even greater electricity bill. Home: Where I can look ugly and not care. 80 Soren Kierkegaard Quotes On Love, Life And Philosophy, Top 90 Martin Luther King Jr. 227. - Unknown. Life is always rocky when youre a gem. Henny Youngman 71. 27. All you need is love. 13. We have rounded up the best collection of funny affirmations, quotes, sayings, captions, positive thoughts (with images and pictures) to encourage friends and family to manifest their thoughts into things. Gary Delaney, 248. Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking terrible? 188. "It's going to be hard, but hard does not mean impossible.". Pardon me, I have 6 pounds of boneless mass to get rid of. Bill Murray. 154. The only relationship I have is with my Wifi. "I am becoming humorous day by day.". Everyone wants to talk with me because I am very funny. I want to afford them., 2. Given below are some short quotes to tickle your funny bone. 23. I am lazier after accomplishing the motive. It can get you out of a tight corner and people who lack a sense of humor cannot do. And, it doesnt have to be hard or complicated! 1. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? Theres life without Facebook and internet? Love your enemies. These kinds of things just come with the territory if youre trying to live a meaningful life. Im so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed. Cindy from Marzahn. I dont want to fix my spending habits. Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once. 196. 206. My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them. Forget the butterflies, I feel the entire zoo in my stomach when Im with you. And a funny bone. Heres a list of important things to consider: Choosing the perfect affirmation from our list isnt much different. Im thinking like a proton, always positive. 73. I like expensive things because I learn the act of taking care from them. I stick to things until I get to my destination. "Whatever you do, do with all your might.". - Bob Hope. You might enjoy: Affirmations: 13 Answers You Should Know. 229. 227. 241. Im not weird, Im just limited edition. 180. Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal. Today, I acknowledge the time I have spent over the week. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart. Affirmations are an opportunity to be honest with ourselves and recognize that we have a treasure trove of power and creativity within us. Here are the 200 best sarcastic quotes, from funny comments, sayings, and phrases dripping with snarky sarcasm. Doing nothing is hard, you never know when youre done. Everyone brings happiness to this office. If you woke up feeling drained and blurry, these funny affirmations will boost your energy and get you ready to slay the day! Im old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway. 47. He who wakes up early, yawns all day long. It is already tomorrow in Australia.". 49. Today Im going to reach for the stars so that I can air out my armpits. I understand people talking about me. 279. Enjoying this list of funny affirmations so far? 175. Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool. My diet for today: 1% food, 99% Halloween candy. 76. Unit #2007 Mahwah, NJ 07430, 50 Funny Affirmations for Confidence, Motivation, and Self-Love, 39 Movies about Friendship and Being with Great People, Relationship OCD: Symptoms, Causes, and How to Treat, 45 Best Hobbies for Couples to Share Together, 51 Passion Project Ideas & Examples List for 2023, 21 Best Films That Explore Mental Illness, 41 Words of Encouragement for Someone in Jail, The 5 Best Vitamins for Anxiety (Our 2023 Review), 101 Toxic People Quotes to Stay Away from Negativity, 57 Strong Mom Quotes About Being a Powerful Parent, 7 Steps to Deal with Emotionally Unavailable Parents, 35 Best Songs About What Its Like to Have Anxiety. A bald spot is like a lie, the bigger it gets the harder it is to cover it up. If people are talking behind your back, be happy that you are the one in front. 127. 43. Bill Murray 159. In the morning, I cant get up. They have shown me exactly who I do not want to be., 15. Let these funny affirmation quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day. 269. 56. 142. I try to see the funny side of every situation., 3. Since not all of us are blessed with the ability to throw a joke the right way, we thought of helping you out by giving you these ridiculously short funny quotes. 126. 70. 50. 8. If you have crazy friends you have everything youll ever need. Not only can laughter improve our problem-solving skills, but it can also help battle various diseases. Dave Barry. 199. Enjoy! "When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.". I choose to stop obsessing about my body. The most important thing to remember when using positive affirmations is that it is all about how you feel. Enjoy! 166. The rest are too expensive. Excuse me please, I have to go hide a treasure. If you cant remember my name, just say chocolate and Ill turn around.. 111. You may think youll never get over it, but you will, and youll be fine., 7. You can write them down and use them whenever youre attending a social event or if you simply just want to make yourself laugh. Education cost money. Im sorry, but thats just the way I am. 160. Czech proverb We need to hear a pin drop. I release all shame about my body. 124. You need some sort of way to offset the inevitable stressors of life, and what better way to do that than with humor? I get up, dress up, and show up. I am fine. I am healthy, I am wealthy, I am hot!, 14. 96. 3. 167. Love your enemies. If Cinderellas shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off? Art doesnt transform. On Mercury, a day lasts 1,408 hours. Bill Gates. With great power comes an even greater electricity bill. 133. How Do People Share The News About Their Engagements? 72. Allow yourself to laugh if you feel the need. 75. All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips. It may look like Im doing nothing, but in my head, Im quite busy. Frances McDormand Heres some short funny affirmations that will hopefully brighten up your day. I'm having a staff meeting.". There are endless opportunities. Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once. My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry. 98. Im in desperate need of a 6-month vacation, twice a year. I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better. "Don't let anyone ever dull your . 148. 173. 192. It's why you may feel excinervous (aka excited and nervous at the same time). Because someone is always sitting on the deck. First, the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. Albert Einstein 58. What do you call a bear with no teeth? 3. Effective pushing often involves poop. 24. I wasnt mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if Im mad.. yes, Im mad! I never apologize. Youre born free, then youre taxed to death. When nothing is going right, go left. If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible? 141. 17. The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. 225. But sometimes affirmations may not work. - Donald Trump. As you walk down the fairway of life you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round. Helen Giangregorio 217. 148. 40 Apology Paragraph For Her To Say Im Sorry, 80 Cute Relationship Quotes For Sweet Couples In Love, 50 Doubt In Relationship Quotes To Rebuild Trust, 75 Sad Broken Relationship Quotes To Fix Your Heartbreak, 70 Relationship Honesty Quotes On Love, Trust & Loyalty, 80 Relationship Sorry Quotes To Apologize To Your Love, 65 Disney Quotes About Family That Will Warm Your Heart, 90 Best Shrek Quotes From The Funny Ogre Movie, 80 Blended Family Quotes To Share With Your Loved Ones, 90 Female Fitness Quotes For Women Who Workout. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things.'. I love myself, which is why I dont need to love the idea of other people loving me., 12. Short Funny Quotes. 275. Life would be tragic if it werent funny too. My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldnt walk to the donut shop. Laughter can help you see the humor in otherwise grim situations. 62. 46. I would have appreciated exams if they had allowed our Pokemons and Ninjas. It doesnt work if it is not open. 38. Ann Landers Giving up on myself because of one setback is like slashing my other three tires because one is flat. With time, I have started to value more time. I will smile while I still have my teeth. 234. I can have peace, even when people irritate me.. Find a quiet place without distractions. 275. Robert Bloch 203. 224. I teach my kids good things in sarcastic ways. All rights reserved. Similar to how it's important to minimize distractions in the workplace, you need a few minutes of peace to focus and mindfully say your affirmations. Relationships these days start by pressing LIKE on her photo. 129. Its called tomorrow. Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door. 107. If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me. Laughter brings me closer to people. May life man not be perfect, but Im blessed., 13. Frances McDormand, 42. 72. I am grateful for all that I have. I train my body. Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math. 221. Positive mindset affirmations. I dont need a psychologist to dig into my personal life and ask me about all of my secrets, thats what my friends are for! I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I put my phone in airplane mode, but its not flying. It just plain forms. I celebrate the highs, learn from the lows and now I release it into the past. Im laughing at the confusion and smiling through the tears. I see food, and I eat it. 87. 228. But you can always be immature. 45. First, read the most powerful affirmations below to build a strong mind. 150. Sincerely, the floor. Why did the school kids eat their homework? "My funny vibes attract my happy tribe.". Life gives the test first and then the lesson. A person with a great sense of humor is also more likable. 203. Happiness is a choice. Its called tomorrow. As long as I have friends as weird as me, I have everything. I am passing all the things and hardships with a smile. Dear Monday, my mama doesn't like you and she likes everyone. How do you count cows? If I lose my hopes, I am afraid my mom will still scold me for taking it out and showing it to friends. Emphasis on the cool. Your words become your actions. 33. You never know what you have, until you clean your closet. I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle. 7. I only check my voicemail to get rid of the annoying little icon. 108. Forget the butterflies, I feel the entire zoo in my stomach when Im with you. By waking up and repeating this mantra, you will set the tone for the day. Stuart Turner, 247. My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. 200. Not everyone has good taste., 3. Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow as well., 13. 22. I like my thoughts how I like my whiskey, always glass half full., 11. Required fields are marked *. Robert A. Heinlein Consider what you want to accomplish using these witty affirmations, and go for the ones that will bring you closer to that goal. I hope you have a ridiculously amazing day. 178. Relaxing the mind with some funny affirmations is an easy way to reduce stress and keep yourself grounded in moments of turmoil. My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. Cell phones these days keep getting thinner and smarter; people the opposite. 23. "Have a great Wednesday. Ken Dodd When affirmations make you feel good about yourself, they are most effective. My jokes do. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. Below youll find a collection of funny affirmations for work that will help you stay motivated and fight the work stress more efficiently. So, you promise yourself from tomorrow on, youll be starting your days using affirmations. I dont need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning. Dont worry about those who talk behind your back, theyre behind you for a reason., See also: The Best List Of 130 People Talk Behind Your Back Quotes. To conclude this list of funny affirmations, heres a few that are specifically focused around work. Im not arguing, Im just telling you why youre wrong. 177. 160. Albert King 1. I am wise enough to make the same mistake again!, 8. One of the most important aspects of affirmations is how authentic they feel to you. I will be the type of person I would like my children to become. 26. 1. 4. 39 funny positive affirmations. 7. 200. 123. 167. My friends are like rocks, they help me through hard times. Lifes biggest struggle: I need to pee, but I dont want to get out of bed. If youre hotter than me, then that means Im cooler than you. Positive affirmations aren't about tricking kids into mentally looking at life with eyes that only see what they want to see. To the guy who created imaginary numbers in math: I hate you. Hmmm, this text message is a little too harsh, Ill add LOL at the end. 101. 125. Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa. You definitely dont want to kill the vibe by throwing a bad joke out there! I attract the right people and repel the wrong ones. 278. I am already great, and I am yet to reach my full potential. You can also share them with your co-workers to put a smile on their faces. Affirmations can be written in a journal, spoken out loud, or visualized as a conversation between you and money. 183. No beauty shines brighter than that of a good heart., 4. 186. I stick to things until I get to my destination., 12. 10. 3. You may feel a little embarrassed and vulnerable. It will warm you twice unknown. I crack the right joke at the perfect moment. P.D. "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.". He who laughs last didnt get it. Only two more days until Friday.". Because someone is always sitting on the deck. I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge. 84. I used to have winter fat but now I have spring rolls. 26. The only power you have is the word no. I didnt give you the finger, you earned it. Im old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway. Bill Murray. You can tune a guitar, but you cant tuna fish. These funny ideas are smart and a bit sarcastic and will bring a smile to your face. Im sure youve heard a lot about affirmations, what they do and why you should start using them daily. Things are getting better all the time. I am constantly growing and improving. 213. I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wifes mother. A bargain is something you dont need at a price you cant resist. 146. Short Positive Affirmations set the pace for your day. When shit hits the fan at work, I turn it into fertilizer., 10. I try to see the funny side of every situation. "If you see me talking to myself. Ive made it from the bed to the couch. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? We frequently doubt ourselves. Im in desperate need of a 6-month vacation, twice a year. 220. 272. Why did the can crusher quit his job? 51. I dont suffer from insanity. I heard a great joke about amnesia but I forgot it. No matter how bad it gets Im always rich when I go to the dollar store. To the guy who created imaginary numbers in math: I hate you. See more ideas about sarcastic, funny quotes, funny. Marriage is like a walk in the park, Jurassic Park. Hes dreaming too. 19. You can't wait for inspiration. Of course, I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice. 178. What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? 18. Sam Levenson 65. 224. 2. Since not all of us are blessed with the ability to throw a joke the right way, we thought of helping you out by giving you these ridiculously short funny quotes. To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer. 42. I am naturally cool, calm, and collected. I have Alzheimers bulimia, first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke. They are a powerful tool you can use to change your attitude, your perspective on life and shift from a negative to a positive mindset. Pleasing everyone, thats impossible. You try again, but no sound is coming out. Treat me like a joke and Ill leave you like its funny., 4. 7. 180. Friends buy you food. 176. 57. And in that moment I swear I still didn't give a shit. You may hear crickets when you try to tell a joke. Square box, round pizza, triangle slices, now thats confusing. 114. A person with a great sense of humor is also more likable. Whatever I do, I will do it for fun, but with dedication and focus. I tell you what always catches my eye. The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. 184. Effective pushing often involves poop. I am so worthy so that I am filling the life of people with fun and joy. The biggest critics of my books are the people who never read them. I enjoy taking long romantic walks, to the fridge. 52. 138. Fortunately, theres a way to reap the benefits of these powerful statements by giving them a humorous twist. Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it. Why cant you play cards on a small boat? 33. Life is a game full of little and big surprises. Snowballs. Focus on the positives and be grateful. My mom scolds me for no reason. East. Im multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time. Wake up and smell the birdshit on your windshield., 10. Your email address will not be published. Let me gather my thoughts and crush this Monday., 15. 115. Laughter keeps us from taking life too seriously, and life certainly does everything it can to ensure that we take it too seriously. 138. - F. 1. 66. "We . If you cant remember my name, just say chocolate and Ill turn around.. They log in. Description for this block. Im gonna be worse., 12. 156. God's promises are here to give you perfect peace, good news, renew your strength and reveal the will of God in your life. It was created to do amazing things. I said yes, which turned out to be the right answer. The library, because it has so many stories. grateful. Share them with your friends and colleagues and make them smile too. The best way for me to appreciate my job is to imagine myself without one. 6. Say your affirmations slowly and clearly. 15. Most of the articles that Ive written about affirmations are about more serious topics: Lets keep things a little lighter in this article shall we?